Warning...this entry is sort of a heart-pour-out.
It's been since October since I've written because life has just been so crazy. It's been a whirlwind for a series of very very good reasons and for some bad ones. I've been struggling with some health problems over the past couple months only to find that the root of the cause could be my diet. My blood sugar is apparently all over the place and it's likely that I have hypoglycemia. I had begun having seizures/treamors a couple of months ago and couldn't figure out the cause. After a couple of visits to the doctor we likely have the culprit, stupid blood sugar. Fine. Simple enough right? Ugh. I'm on a restricted diet with no sugar and low carbs. Yuck! I am feeling better and have had no seizures since I've changed my diet but I'm really struggling. It's only been a week but it's still really difficult.
The other recent health development is far more serious and has nothing to do with me. Poor Randy has had back pain since I met him and in the last month his pain has gone from bad to worse. It's been so bad that he hasn't been sleeping and has had to turn down a job because he couldn't physically sit in a car to get there, he is in too much pain even for short car rides. Awful. He's been to the doctor several times but he just wasn't getting better. I worked for a little bit today and when I got home he was wincing in pain on the couch once again. I knew that enough was enough and took him to the ER.
Well...we just got back from the ER where, after a discussion about his MRI from yesterday, the doctors believe it's likely he will have to have spinal surgery. Crazy. Some of you may know that my dad had a similar surgery several years ago. The surgery won't be exactly the same, as my dad's issues were near his neck and Randy's is near the tail bone.
Still...I'm terrified and sad and scared and terrified again. I love him so much and it's been so difficult to see him in this much pain the past couple of weeks. And it brings me back to watching my dad struggle through it all a few years back. I remembered feeling helpless and that's how I feel right now. There is nothing I can for him to ease the pain. And he's such an active guy, I know it's hard for him to stay in day after day doing nothing but walking the dog around a little bit and laying on the couch. It just tears me up when I hear him moan in pain. It hurts so much. And there is nothing that I can do except to take care of him when he lets me and continue to live my life knowing full well in everything that I do that the man I love is in terrible pain. It's so hard.
I'm writing it in this blog not only because it's helping me think and sift through some of this stuff but because it's a part of who we are. I know that things don't always go smoothly...and even though I am so extremely excited to have my shower this weekend (yay!) the most important thing in my life is Randy. He is the love I always wanted and I'd do anything for him.
And I know that these moments of sickness that we experience from time to time (which includes many of my friends, their family and their pets right now) are moments to remember how very lucky we are to be able bodied and physically capable to work and play and go shopping. And that we can live our lives without much thought as to how we will get around. I can't help but think of those who aren't as lucky. People who struggle with pain daily and are limited by their bodies. I feel guilty for taking this for granted.
So to end on a positive note, my mom, mama and two aunts will be here to surprise me this weekend. I get to see a bunch of people that I love all in one spot. It means so much to me, especially right now.
Okay, I'm thankful for this resource and getting my feelings sorted out. I'm know Randy will be fine and as soon as I know when he will have the surgery I will update everyone.
Thank you for listening (reading).
I just had a fantastic morning. Awesome! I woke up feeling rested! Then I snuggled with Randy and my dog and made my way over to the blender I've been using every day. Ever since I found out I have hypoglycemia and that it has a profound effect on my life, I've been making efforts to be more healthy. And every morning for the last week, I've started my day with a fruit, greek yogurt, and flax seed smoothie. Doesn't sound as great as it is, but it's truly quite delish.
